Tuesday, March 17, 2015

SOL #17 My Heart Broke Today





My heart broke today.  Again.

Excitedly, I scurried into Hobby Lobby to pick up some bundles of color.  I have done this countless times since I was three years old.  My mom and I would look for just the right bunch.  So, I knew the ins and outs of getting the best selection.

I made my way over to the floral department.  I passed some gladiolas that I really must get for my house, but left them in their spot today because I was on a mission.  As I rounded the corner, I saw them....


Easter Lilies.  See I grew up in a small town.  I have grown up reading our memorial in the church bulletin every Christmas and Easter.   Each name was represented by a lily or a poinsettia.  

Then, I began to sob.  

I have grown up going to the cemetary to change the flowers, check the flowers, etc.  It hasn't ever been a big deal to me because we have always talked about Angie being in Heaven.  It was a part off my growing up.  Now, it is a part of my grieving.  I wonder if it was part of her grieving, too.  Surely, her heart broke when she had to go out there, but my mother NEVER complained about going out there. 

Today, my heart broke.

Not because I didn't want to do the task and change the flowers, but I wanted my mom to be here with me.  I want to hold her hand and get her to check the flowers that I picked and tell me if they meet her approval.  I miss her terribly.  I feel I had to say good-bye too early.  

Then my heart broke again.

I bet she longed to hold her baby.  I bet she would have rather put flowers in the nursery instead of flowers on her grave.  My sweet mother had to bury her baby, my sister, way too early.  Angie was only two monts old when we had to purchase burial plots where my grandfather and mother now lay beside her.  My sweet mama had to say good-bye way too early.

So, Meme and I loaded up and went to "check on everything".


Then, as I looked over at my 93 year old grandmother, my heart broke.


 

   

    

8 comments:

  1. So sorry for your loss. What a cute grandmother you have. I know you cherish her.

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  2. Well Mandy... I adore you. I adore that you love your family fiercely and share that love with anyone who wants to listen. Your mother would be very proud of you today.

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    1. Tara Reed...I adore you! My family is one of my joys...I love sharing them!!

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  3. Loss, there are no words that can convey the depth of your grief. May your memories bring you comfort.

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  4. Grieving is such a long and winding road. Hope you feel comfort "checking on everything" and sharing that with your grandmother. It has been nearly a year since we said good-bye to my mother. Many more years since good-byes to other family members. I understand and offer my sympathy.

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  5. My grandmother's family also took many trips to the cemetery growing up. After my husband and I married, he expressed how strange it was that we visited the graves of our loved ones. This was not a tradition his family had experienced, and when I tried to explain how important this ritual was, my words fell short. You did an outstanding job describing the wide range of emotions associated with grief, and I loved seeing your photographs. Tears and writing are cathartic. Thank you for sharing this intimate post with us.

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